Here we go again with old man Bruce Willis. Will it be another shitty, mail-in performance? We shall see.
I like it when the director of a movie set hundreds of years in the future says, “Fuck it. Why try to create a futuristic world that will look silly in 20 years? Let’s just keep guns, cars, clothes, inside of buildings and pretty much everything else look like now.” And that is exactly what they did, except for a silly transporter device that threw laughable electric arcs (cue old time Frankenstein movies), and their space ships.
In a nutshell, this was another movie about alien invasions, this time set in the year 2524 (hey why not 2525? If man is still alive, if woman can survive?), Old man Bruce Willis played James Ford, a disgraced general who was court martialed after wiping out 70 million people on a rebel colony with a ridiculous “Q bomb”. More of that nonsense later. All the other actors were basically nobodies, except for Frank Grillo, a decent character actor, who played general Ryle. The aforementioned alien invasion started with an encounter on one of the “Alliance” planets. The survivors returned to earth via the silly transporter and start killing people, it was quickly obvious their bodies were taken over by the aliens. Old man general Ford was re-instated to fight the aliens, and a team was assembled in absolutely ridiculous suits that looked like parts of a transformer robot to return to the first planet to fight the aliens.
At one point, there was a closeup of Old man Bruce’s face wearing that ludicrous transformer suit, and I could imagine him thinking, “who the hell wrote this pile of happy horseshit?” Speaking of those God-awful suits, the actors wearing them looked like dogs in silly Halloween costumes: immensely embarrassed. One last thing about those idiotic suits – they didn’t even cover the entire body, yet humans could fly thru the vacuum of space wearing them? Jiminy FUCKING CHRISTMAS!
There were many “what the FUCK?” moments watching this movie. A few examples: They mentioned several times the topic of tachyon interference. Where was Doctor Rick Marshall?? And then the infamous Q bomb – which looked like a camping lantern? At one point, the dopey tech said, “This thing will take out everything from here (Earth) to Pluto!” Come on, man!
And what in the HAIL were those people in regular 2000s clothes doing in the background during the first alien gunfight scene? I think they worked on the movie or were on a tour of a movie set and the director saw them in the scene and said, “Eh who cares, no one will notice in this TRAIN WRECK of a movie.” Like the old geezer in the flannel shirt near the end of the movie, inside the top-secret galactic cannon building. Who the fuck was he, the set janitor?
How about that ridiculously huge gun the woman with the yellow braids carried? It looked similar to a Barrett M82 50 caliber semi-auto sniper rifle, but twice the size and would’ve weighed about 200 lbs, yet she easily carried it with one hand. You thought the electric Gatling gun Jesse “the body” Ventura carried in Predator was absurdly too big to carry? Wow!
To summarize, this movie had some of the worst dialog, worst plot, worst special effects (the aliens in leather coats with hoods were especially hilarious) and the worst acting of all time. But the good news is, it was so bad, it was funny. Even the awful harmonica music at the end induced some chuckles!
Anywho, to answer my opening question, a resounding OH HAIL YEAH. Has Old man Bruce Willis hit rock bottom yet? One can only hope so.
9 razzies out of 10, or in comparative form, 1 out of 20