These MI movies are all the same, aren’t they? Ridiculous plots, ridiculous situations that are impossible to get out of, ridiculous characters, ridiculous abilities, ridiculous car chases, etc. Of course, Tom Cruise is great in pretty much everything he does, and kudos for still doing stunts. I think he broke his ankle during one of the rooftop jumps, you could even see him limping after climbing up the other side. But let’s be real here, great actors only get you so far in a movie. When the shit is piled so high and getting ever deeper like this movie, no actor can convince you that any of this is the slightest bit plausible.
So for this one, I decided to watch it in good ol’ Uncle Joe Biden’s basement. Now I knew I couldn’t overtly partake of the devil’s lettuce in his place, so prior to my arrival, I consumed a 2.5mg edible. Before settling into his home theater leather chairs, Joe microwaved a bag of Orville Redenbacher’s and I grabbed two beers from the mini-fridge. Sure enough, minutes into the usual, pre-credit action scene, uncle Joe threw his hands in the air and blurted out his trademark phrase, “Come on, man!” I nodded in agreement, my mouth muffled by a handful of popcorn, and suddenly realized it would be a fun drinking game to take a swig of beer every time Joe yelled, “Come on, man!” at the TV. Well, before I knew it, I was hammered to the bejesus. I was on my fifth beer and the movie wasn’t even half over. I called the game at that point, besides, ol’ Joe was giving me the stink eye for drinking all his best wit beers!
You know what was one of the most ludicrous recurring “effects” in this movie? The notion that you can make a rubber mask of someone’s face, slip it on and suddenly look (and even more ridiculously, sound) exactly like another person. What a crock of shit! I mean Jiminy Christmas, you could fillet someone’s head skin completely off and slip it on and you would still look nothing like someone else. Why? Because underneath the skin on your head there is muscle, fat, sinew and bone. So basically, at the very least, one would have to skin their own head, then put on the mask of someone else, to have any chance of looking like them. And that assumes that your skull and overlying muscle is exactly the same dimensions as the person you are trying to impersonate. Which, obviously, would never happen. So knock this hackneyed BULLSHIT off already and try another way to look like someone else. A frickin’ hologram projection would be more believable. In fact, at this point in the movie (the second time they used a mask when Simon Pegg mimicked the bad guy Sean Harris), I had to physically restrain Uncle Joe from throwing his shoe at the TV. And speaking of Sean Harris, doesn’t he look like the lead singer/great guitar player of the progressive rock band Muse, Matt Bellamy? “Don’t waste your time, or time will waste you” – great lyric and great advice – which is why I try to steer people away from wasting their time on shitty movies.
As for the supporting cast, Simon Pegg is always good, as is Alec Baldwin, and Ving “We have the MEATS!” Rhames. But dang, Ving, you really slapped on some poundage. Back off on the Arby’s, bro! Henry Cavill (the best superman ever) was a bad guy in this, nice change of pace. Wes “Satan’s son” Bentley, had a small role in this one. Oh and that buffoon Wolf Blitzer played himself (sort of) in a short cameo. He still blows though!
Anywho, at the end of the movie, we briefly shared our reviews. Joe stood in silence, massaging his chin with thumb and forefinger as his eyes squinted at the ceiling, then proclaimed, “Come on, man, that was a great movie!” Grinning widely, he added, “and totally believable, don’t you think? Even I coulda done some of those stunts!”
“Uh yeah, sure, very realistic,” I agreed, trying my best to prevent my eyes from rolling. Fortunately, I was sober enough to drive, thanked my gracious host and bid adieu. Exhausted from throwing his hands in the air with every, “come on, man!”, Joe could barely shake my hand. Then, with a quizzical look on his face, he asked, “Who the hell are you again?” I muttered something about being the nephew of his cousin Molly in Kansas, and while he mulled this over, I took flight. Outside his house, the secret service came running after my car as I peeled out down the driveway – whew, just made it!
In conclusion, I think ol’ Uncle Joe nailed this one. The proper title should be: Mission Impossible: COME ON, MAN! Five Tom Cruise Teef out of eight.